Why We Don’t Give Up

People facing the end of their life often have mixed feelings, and many have a desire to reconnect with family, atone for any wrongs in their life, and cross those last items off the bucket list. Working as an elder advocate (ombudsman and hospice volunteer), I have been privileged to share in many touching moments, but this one takes the cake. I’ve changed the names for privacy, but the story was so compelling, I just had to capture it so I can hold it forever.

I first met Grace some years ago while working as the ombudsman at a skilled nursing facility. She was there visiting her sister Ann, who had been disabled for many years. They had no other family. Ann could barely communicate, and Grace visited most days, helping Ann and others play bingo. She was a great help to Suzy, the activity director, and soon they became friends. Unfortunately Grace was susceptible to lung infections, and landed in the hospital with pneumonia around November pretty much every year. But last year she didn’t bounce back like before, and ended up in a nursing home herself. It was determined that she could no longer live on her own, and her COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease) made her very frail and dependent on oxygen. This was tough for Grace, as she is 100% mentally competent. She just can’t breathe. She uses a cell phone and Kindle Fire pretty much all day long. She plays games, orders things online, reads, and texts. She’s 83 years old! I continued visiting Grace every week even though I was no longer assigned to that facility. I just like her and enjoy visiting. She told some wild stories from her younger years. But she had no family, so I felt like the visits were important, to let her know someone cares about her.

The facility worked to transfer sister Ann to the facility where Grace had been placed so they could be together. Well, rooming together was an absolute disaster! Ann was very loud, and Grace wasn’t getting the rest she needed. Meanwhile, the activity director from the old facility “adopted” both sisters, and handled all of their needs. Suzy is a most giving, amazing person who always goes beyond the call of duty. Whenever Grace would land in the hospital, Suzy would go visit her. She genuinely cares about her patients and their families.

Ann would prowl the hallways in her wheelchair while Grace was confined with an oxygen tube. But they were able to have daily visits, and fell into a pattern that worked well for both of them. Then one day Ann had what appeared to be a stroke, and they took her to the hospital. She was diagnosed with end stage brain cancer, and the doctor said she wouldn’t be coming out of the hospital. But Ann had a bit more spunk than they counted on, and she indeed came back to the nursing home. She did begin to fail, but she had moments of clarity. It was decided not to tell her of her diagnosis, as it wouldn’t do any good. She passed away a few weeks later, just as she was about to be enrolled in hospice. Grace had already enrolled herself, and once Ann passed, she really felt no need to continue to fight.

BUT WAIT! In a most amazing turn of events, Grace received an astounding letter in the mail, from her 43-year-old daughter, who she thought died many years ago. The daughter had tracked her down, as part of a genealogy search. She reached out with a tentative invitation to reopen relations. Grace was shocked. Her lying, cheating ex-husband stole her daughter from her when the little girl was just 5 years old. He lied to the court, gained custody, and fled the state with her so he could be with his new honey and her kids. And now this girl wants to visit. Their relationship went from “Dear Grace,” to “MOM!!!” Hugs, tears, and a whole new family engulfed Grace. She found out she’s a grandmother to 3 kids, and they live just an hour away. The first visit was incredible. Even the new-found son-in-law is now calling her “Mom.” They came back the next weekend with a big collage of family pictures to decorate Grace’s otherwise bare wall over her bed.

The evil ex-husband told her that the daughter had died, and Grace truly thought she was alone. Several years ago the rat contacted her to apologize for the way her had treated her in the past. It sounded like a 12-step activity. Grace could not find it in her heart to forgive him. He ripped her daughter from her arms, a crime that is more heinous than one can accept. Shortly after that, he committed suicide, and he never told Grace that her daughter was alive.

The “crime” that caused Grace to lose custody was poverty. She had never worked, and when they separated, she found employment and a babysitter. It was a big adjustment, but she was putting one foot in front of the other, taking care of her family. The ex told the court that she was unfit, because she gave her daughter potato chips for breakfast. Grace couldn’t afford to hire an attorney to fight. The real story? She packed a lunchbox for her daughter, with a sandwich, apple, chips, and a cookie, and the babysitter provided the milk. The little girl busted into the chips the minute she got to the sitter’s place. So indeed, she “had potato chips for breakfast.” Grace’s husband didn’t want her to have the baby. He pleaded with her to get an abortion, but she refused. So when he wanted a divorce, he certainly didn’t want to have to pay child support. He figured he could take the child and let his new wife take care of her. The daughter said she never did bond with her dad, and now it’s such a relief to learn why she felt that way.

As I said, Grace is now in hospice care, but she commented that she lost somebody dear to her, and in the same week found somebody else dear to her. What a story.